- When a IT support engineer says he's coming right over, go away for a coffee. We don't mind having to guess your screen saver password while we wait for you to come back.
- When you call IT support to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures and other assorted crap. We don't have a life so we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
- When IT support sends you an email with high importance, delete it immediately. We're obviously just testing the public groups.
- When an IT support engineer is eating his lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out - we only exist to serve.
- When a IT support engineer is taking a break in the lunch room, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we go into the lunch room at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have access to email or a telephone.
- Send urgent email in UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
- When you call a IT support engineer's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that tells you he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hrs before you send an email to the managing director because no-one ever returned your call. You are, after all, entitled to common courtesy.
- When the photocopier doesn't work, call IT support. After all, there's electronics in it.
- When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message from home, call IT support on your cell phone - we can fix your line from the office.
- When something is wrong with your home PC, dump it on a IT support engineer's desk with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a challenge.
- When you have IT Support on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything, we just love the sound of our own voices.
- When we offer training on the new software package, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand once it's complete.
- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Everyone knows print jobs get sucked into black holes every now and then.
- When the printer STILL won't print after 20 attempts, send the job to every other printer in the building. One of them is bound to work.
- Don't use online help - that is for wimps.
- If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for any overtime we can get.
- When you have an IT support engineer fixing your PC at 2:15, eat your lunch in front of him. We function better when wracked with pangs of hunger.
- Don't EVER thank us - we're paid for doing this.
- When an IT support engineer asks you if you've installed any new software on your computer, LIE. It's not our business what you've got on the PC.
- If a mouse cable keeps knocking down the picture of your loved one, lift the computer and trap the cable. Mouse cables were designed to have
45 lbs of computer sitting on top of them.
- If the spacebar on your computer doesn't work, blame it on the exchange upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of biscuit crumbs and nail clippings in them.
- When you get a message asking "Are You Sure ?", click on that YES button as fast as possible. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it in the first place, would you ?
- Feel free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind hearing our area of expertise referred to as crap.
- When you need to change the toner cartridge, call IT support. Changing the cartridge is an extremely technical task and Hewlett Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a masters degree in Nuclear Physics.
- When something is the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the helpdesk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third-party who knows nothing about the problem.
- When you receive a 300 Mb AVI file, send it on to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got LOADS of disk space on the server.
- Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Someone else may sneak a memo into the queue.
- If your son is a student in computer science, have him come on over the weekend and do his projects on your work PC. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6 makes your Access 95 disappear and riddles your PC with viruses.
- When you bring your own personal home PC in for repair in the office leave the documentation at home. Don't worry, we'll find all the settings and drivers on the Internet.
- When IT support are dealing with your problem over the phone and saying "Don't type anything in just yet", type loads of stuff in and press the [RETURN] key.
- If IT support are actually WATCHING you type your supposed password in uppercase, tell them "No, it's OK, I am in lowercase"
- When IT support say "Your new password is PASSWORD", reply with "Yes, I know my password is my password but what's my password?"
- At 17:45 on Friday afternoon, log an urgent call with the Helpdesk even though you are going on holiday that night for two weeks.
- Log a call saying that your dial-up connection keeps dropping, even though you are dialling up via your mobile phone and are travelling through the Swiss Alps by train.
- When your printer has a paper jam, and it's sitting on your desk, call IT support. After all, an error on the printer display panel saying 'Paper Jam' actually means 'Don't bother looking in the manual to find out how to clear the paper jam, just call those lazy good for nothing sons-of-bitches in IT support to come and open the paper tray and take out the rogue piece of paper for you'.
- Whenever a problem occurs and IT support have been at your desk for over two hours trying to fix it, keep saying "Well at my old company we used to get this problem..."