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John's Goober

by David Yehudah, Bellflower, CA, USA


I guess it doesn't take much to tickle my Elmo.

Earlier this evening my BIL, John, invited me to a bar around the corner for a couple of drinks and maybe a little pool. The bartender is a nice Vietnamese lady who always flirts outrageously with John whenever we go in. He claims she's not his type, but I think down deep he enjoys the attention.

We played a couple of games of pool and sat down to watch some baseball on the tube and have a couple of beers. The beertender, Lee, brought a little basket of shelled peanuts and set it on the bar. After a few beers, John was tossing them in the air and catching them in his mouth, a feat that had him cackling at his own cleverness.

About that time one of the biggest men I've ever seen came in and sat down near the rear of the bar. The man looked to be about 6' 7" and 350 lbs. or more. He didn't look happy. Lee was flirting with him, trying to cheer him up, but she wasn't having much luck. Seems he had just finished his EMT training, but couldn't get any of the ambulance companies to hire him.

Just then John cackled when he should have been chewing and got one of the peanuts caught in the wrong tube. He started coughing and choking on the errant goober.

The big guy shouted, "Hang on, Pardner, I know just what to do!" With that he ran across the room, grabbed John in a bear hug from behind, and vigorously squeezed.

John folded up like a jackknife, his eyes bulged out on stalks, his upper plate landed in the cuspidor, and the peanut flew across the room and hit a tall, lanky guy in the ear just as he was about to swing his pool stick at the cue ball. I heard a 'crunch' from John's back that sounded like someone biting an apple, only much louder. When the big man turned him loose, John landed flat on the floor.

"Say, Pardner, you want me to give you some CPR or something? You don't look too hot."

John raised his head and shook it firmly, then collapsed in a heap. The big guy went back and sat down at the bar, obviously very pleased with himself. The tall pool player was still looking around angrily, holding his pool cue like a bat. Lee was staring pensively at the cuspidor where John's teeth had landed: "I been meaning to empty that thing, but couldn't bring myself to do it."

On the way home John walked so stiffly he looked to be about 4 inches taller, staring straight ahead. Every time I tried to talk to him about it, he mumbled, "Shut up!"

He sure is touchy sometimes.


Editor's note:

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