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Typical Meal in the Kitchen

by Jillian Colquhoun, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada


The Scene:
It begins as a typical night in the kitchen; Jill is preparing some canned food for the pregnant foster stray upstairs and decides to give her own cats a treat.

Enter Chiggers Magoo (a papillon puppy with a penchant for overexuberance)

"Hey Mom! I hear the can opener! Whatcha doin?! Can I help? huh? huh? I'm a good helper! Oh cat food! Good! Great! I'll help! Can I help? huh? Can I?"

"Sorry, girl. You know what canned cat food does to you when it comes out the other end. Sit. Stay. Good Girl! Here's a cookie!"

Enter Jabba, casually sauntering in (brown tabby boy, extremely laid back)

"Yo mamma! Wassup? Thought I heard the can opener, whatcha got there? Cat food? ok, cool, I can dig it." (Jabba proceeds to munch away, oblivious to the rest of the world)

Chiggers (from her sit/stay on the stairs):
"Hey Mom, I guess Jabba wants to eat but Rowan's not here. Let me clean it up for don't want to be bothered with that mess! I'll help! I'm a good girl! Good, good girl!"

Enter Rowan (a very fat calico haughtily wandering into the kitchen coincidentally, the instant her plate is ready. She is on her way from something important to something even more important but will allow the peasants to worship for a moment)

"Hmmmm...I see you were expecting me. I haven't all day; make your obeisance and leave me. An offering? Weeelllllll, I suppose I could stay for a moment (as her plate is being set before her)"

A long pause...

"What!? What is this putrid mass? This substandard glob? This is not the food that I am accustomed to. (lofty tones) You didn't... (tentatively reaching a paw towards the glop in front of her and quickly snatching her paw back as though burned when it touches the food) gasp! You did! You bought this ON SALE! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO FEED ME BARGAIN BRAND CANNED CRAP!!!???

Chiggers (watching with mounting excitement):
"Mom! Hey Mom! I'll eat it! I like it! I love canned cat food! I'll help! I'm a good girl!"

Rowan (noticing Chiggers for the first time):
"How could you? You attempt to poison me and now you allow this, this (spluttering) this dirty, uncouth, primitive beast into my illustrious presence?! Well I never! Don't try to woo me back into your heart. Your false pretenses shall not deceive me again! This grave insult shall never be forgotten or forgiven!"

(Rowan stalks off mortally offended with her tail-twitching and her back stiffened.)

Silence reigns for a moment in the kitchen, broken only by the sound of Jabba happily and single-mindedly chewing away.

"Hey Mom! Mom! I guess she didn't want it? Huh? huh? Well, I'll have it! I'll help! I love Cat food! See watch: Meow! Meow! I'm a good girl! I'm a good helper!"

Jabba (strutting over to the abandoned dish):
"Hey cool! There's more over here! Don't mind if I do"

End scene. Close curtain.


Editor's note:

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