Aliens Inc HQ

by Chris Lawrence, Liverpool, England, UK

What a surprise. You'd have thought that advances in the technology would have made blurry pictures of ghosts, aliens and the Loch Ness Monster a thing of the past - but noooo...

You can picture the scene at Aliens Inc HQ, on planet Zyygx (in the constellation of Orion)... The MD is present at the meeting, eyeing everyone up. Which is all he can do since he has this huge single eye on a stalk for a body. The project development team are also present and don't look so happy - but then they don't have any mouths, as such.

MD:

Right, so we're ready to keep an eye <snigger> on those nasty humans who orbit around... <looks at notes> ah yes, Sol?

The development team look at each other nervously... The Project Leader looks like he wants to say something.

MD:

What's up? Come on, spit it out <snigger> man!

PL:

Erm, we may have a problem sir.

MD:

Problem? PROBLEM?! By god, we need to get over there and start spying on those humans. They've already developed their own Internet; it's just a matter of time! What kind of 'problem' is there?

PL:

We think the spying technology may be, um, insecure.

MD:

<splutter>

PL:

As you know we were trying out the spying technology at the office party...

MD:

Ah yes, Mrs Txgrklyc! Has she got a fine set of...

PL:

...um, and it seemed to work fine. But when we saw the photos yesterday we noticed that the pictures contained loads of fuzzy white circles - or 'Orbs' as we've started calling them.

MD:

Yes? YES? So, what has this got to do with those mutants around Sol?

At this point, the senior project developer jumps in...

PD:

Sir, don't you see...?

MD:

I'm not in the mood for sarcasm!

PD:

Erm, if any of those humanoid mutants were to photograph an area of space where the spying portal was activated, they'd capture the raw TransTime® energy emissions from the quantum relay field oscillator. We're not covert Sir - they can see us.

MD:

<his eye bulging> WHAT?!! Why did nobody come and see me about this disgraceful flaw in the design?

PL:

Sir, we tried. But the new ISO9000 standards meant we had to fill in thirteen forms and file a formal document in which all the flaws were written down. Time is against us, Sir, we had to make the best of it.

MD:

But why didn't you just fill in the damn forms?!

PD:

Sir..? We don't have any hands. All our work is done telekinetically.

MD:

Harrupmh Oh, yes. Perhaps we were a little hasty rushing the new standards through without fully thinking it through.

PL:

Sir, my team and I have been studying the technology and we think we know a way to get around the flaw.

MD:

Yes..?

PL:

Well, we can use the portal technology right now and assume that nobody will happen to photograph us in the near future...

PD:

...then, when they do, we can just send a hypnotic subspace suggestion that the Orbs are really down to them having shit cameras.

PL:

From Argos.

MD:

<clapping his fronds on the desk> Excellent! But wait - they have the Internet now. They are 5800 Sol years behind us. We all remember what the Internet brought us, don't we?

PL:

Busty XXX ZyygxCAM?

PD:

For twenty zongs a month?

MD:

Ah yes, there was that... But no - the Internet - KOOKS! You surely remember that idiot Cike Morley, the amphibioid who thought that the Tarrantz were out to get him? He posted to all the discussion groups...

PL:

Yes, but what has this to do with Orbs?

MD:

Don't I pay you people enough zongs? Think, goddamnit! When those mutants photograph the portal, they'll naturally assume it's an alien energy emission and post details and photos to all the newsgroups!

PL:

Isn't that what we don't want, Sir?

MD:

Ah, but the mutants will just call them kooks! They'll be laughed out of the groups and by then, our subspace suggestion will have taken control in their puny minds. They'll blame the Orbs on crazy kooks and shit cameras. From Argos.

The team go crazy, and start clapping their fronds together in high- fives.

PL:

Sir, if we can co-ordinate this with the Orbit Team... they're working on generating a total solar eclipse just before the mutants reach their year 2000. We could have the kooks going crazy! It would be sure to totally mask our efforts!

MD:

<pleased> Well, I think our little invasion is safe and sound! Mr Grikgx, I need the minutes written up by darkness - see me if you need the relevant forms...

There is a slumping noise and a groan from the far end of the table.

MD:

...however, I won't be around for a while. I've cancelled all appointments. I'm going to see how Mrs Txgrklyc is doing these days...

Editor's note:

• If you want to comment on this article, why not write direct to Chris Lawrence?
• He will be pleased to hear from you!
• This was posted on the newsgroup alt.life.universe.everything in response to yet another pointless article called ALIENS AMONG US: Read This! and sent to thousands of unsuitable newsgroups
• Apparently there were pictures of the aliens, which were just as clear as pictures of the Loch Ness Monster usually are!

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