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While playing in a tournament recently, I couldn't help noticing the young and attractive female tournament director. After the event finished, I thought I would try my luck. The results of my clumsy attempt at seduction can best be described by reprinting the letter I received from her the following day.
Sir,
You telephoned me yesterday when my husband was on the other line (Law 33 - Simultaneous Calls), but did not tell me what you wanted (Law 46D - Incomplete or Erroneous Call). I said I would phone back, but before I could, you called me again (Section 4 - Call Out of Rotation), although I agree that it was probably more appropriate that you make the first move (Law 29C - Call out of rotation is Conventional). You told me that you would send our manservant around with a note.Your man came round and showed me your card (Law 45F - Dummy indicates card) which I accepted (Law 52B 1 - Play of card accepted). The note included an invitation to go out for a Big Mac. This was insulting, and I could not accept (Law 27B - Insufficient Bid not accepted). Then, you attempted to correct this by offering me two Big Macs! (Law 27B 3 - Attempt to Correct by a Double), but your eventual offer of a romantic dinner for two was adequate (Law 27B 2 - Corrected by Sufficient Bid). When we were dining, you pretended not to be married (Law 73E - Deception), but I had already discovered from your man that you were (Law 16 - Unauthorised Information). At first, I was happy with the nature of our conversation (Law 73A - Proper Communication between Partners), but was shocked when you invited me back to your room for a nightcap. This was entirely inappropriate (Law 73B - Inappropriate Communication between Partners), and I could only imagine that you were proposing something illegal (Law 60 - Illegal Play). This would obviously be contrary to your marriage vows (Law 75B - Violation of Partnership Agreement), and I asked for you to clarify what you meant (Law 70B 1 - Require to Repeat Statement). You hesitated unmistakably, which demonstrably suggested the logical alternative (Law 16A - Extraneous Information from Partner), that you were claiming my cooperation. I acquiesced (Law 69A - Acquiescence Occurs), and accepted your lead (Law 55A - Lead Accepted).
However, after considering my vulnerability (Law 77 - Scoring), I retracted my acquiescence (Law 69B - Acquiescence in Claim Withdrawn), and the whole matter ended (Law 68D - Play Ceases). You spread your hands in dismay (Law 54A -Declarer spreads his Hand) and asked me to return your card (Law 47 - Retraction of Card Played). That, fortunately, was the end of the session (Law 8C - End of Session). I hope that you agree that these are the facts of the matter (Law 84 - Agreed Facts), and must end by saying that if you wish to make friends you must learn how to appeal (Law 92C - How to Appeal).
Yours truly
Editor's note:
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