Director's Diary

by David Stevenson

Day 1

Got up at some awful hour of the morning. Put up tables and put chairs around them for an hour. Put stationery on tables. Checked boards are available. Went to pub for lunch.

Got back for start. Give out starter cards. Let people pick their own by shuffling them and putting them face down on table.

• "Can we pick any one?"
• "Do we pick one?"
• "What happens if I do not like the choice?"
• "I have got an East-West: can I put it back?"
• "No, partner you choose." "But I might pick the wrong one."
• "Is this where I pay?"

Get players into seats [mostly]. Deal with queries as to what system is permissible.

• "What do you mean, it is Level 3? It is a disgrace allowing all these people to play these fancy conventions and you should not allow it. I do not know why the EBU allows it. They are deliberately driving people away from their Congresses. What are you doing about it? What do you mean you are only the Tournament Director?"
• "What do you mean, it is Level 3? It is a disgrace in a top class congress not allowing people to play the Craig Senior 2 opening. I do not know why the EBU forbids it. They are deliberately driving people away from their Congresses. What are you doing about it? What do you mean you are only the Tournament Director?"

Try to find players for the gaps. Reconcile the pairs where each member has picked a starter card. Ask the players to sit down. Give out the curtain cards for them to make the boards up. Deal with the new gaps that have appeared.

• "Director, why are there no score cards on the table?"
• "I don't know, sir, I shall get you some."
• "Bloody inefficient these Directors, can't be bothered to get off their .... oh, I have just found them under my Convention card."
• "Director, which way do I pass the boards?"
• "Director, do I have time to get a coffee?"
• "Director, what does Level 3 mean?"

Play starts. They move the boards one way, move the pairs the other, and start play.

• "Director, it is far too hot in here. You would think the EBU could get a decent venue sometimes, considering all the money we spend on them. What are you going to do about it?"
• "Director, it is awfully cold in here. You would think the EBU could get a decent venue sometimes, considering all the money we spend on them. What are you going to do about it?"
• "DIRECTOR !!!!!!!! He opened 3 and he has ONLY GOT FIVE SPADES !!!!!! Why does the EBU not stop these cheats!"
• "He called me a cheat, David, what are you going to do about it?"
• "Oh, 'David' is it, I suppose you are going to rule in his favour because he is a friend."
• "Everyone knows David."
• "So? Does that mean you are allowed to cheat?"

I manage to get a word in eventually, and get the charge of cheating reduced to a vague muttering. I sort it out, and then it is my lucky day: two young ladies approach me from opposite sides of the room. Yippee! And what do they say?

• "Director, it is far too hot in here. You would think the EBU could get a decent venue sometimes, considering all the money we spend on them. What are you going to do about it?"
• "Director, it is awfully cold in here. You would think the EBU could get a decent venue sometimes, considering all the money we spend on them. What are you going to do about it?"

Great. I suppose if we turn the air-conditioning on for ten minutes then off for ten minutes both of them may think we are trying for them. I go to the Hotel Reception, and ask for the air-conditioning to be put on.

• "Please? You want a room?"

Why do they employ Taiwanese who do not speak English? I eventually manage to get the air-conditioning switched on, and go back in. I am called for a ruling: it is a hesitation-type ruling.

• "HE HESITATED !!!!!"
• "NO, I DIDN'T!"
• "OH YES, YOU DID!"

Did you think for a time, I ask.

• "Yes, I thought, why shouldn't I, look at my hand, but I did not HESITATE!"

I avoid the hand thrust under my nose, and tell them there was a hesitation, and to call me back if necessary.

• "What do you mean, there was a hesitation? The EBU is always inventing these new rules. I pay all this money to play and they invent new rules that you may not hesitate. The stupid Director did not even look in my hand: I had a terribly difficult decision so of course I thought about it - why shouldn't I? Pardon? Get on with the hand? They never had these rules when I played in the Clacton congress."

I get called back: there is no damage despite the UI.

• "I said that I had a reason to hesitate and this Director has agreed. The EBU has the best Directors in the world - I have always said so."
• "Can we appeal? Why do I have to pay ten pounds? An Appeals advisor? Why? Why do you want to help me: you ruled for him, didn't you? Oh, all right, if you think it is a good idea, but I know we were in the right. Bloody Directors - if you can play, you play: if you can't, you direct."

One of my colleagues is an excellent female Director: she is called to a table.

• "Get me a real Director, there's a love."

I have to deal with a psyche.

• "He cheated! What do you mean, it is legal to psyche? Grattan Endicott wrote to me and said that you may not psyche on the first round of the auction."

I have a lead out of turn. I start to tell them that they have five options.

• "I want a heart lead, AND a penalty card."

No, I explain.

• "Why not?"

I explain the Laws.

• "When did they change them? I went on a training course for Directors twelve years ago and they said that you could choose whatever you want."

Next I get a pair of British internationals. I explain the UI laws.

• "We were in Lille and that fellow with the funny name that sounds like a car said that there is no adjustment if I raised to three because I might have been thinking of bidding more, or less."

Well, there is a sort of sense, but who sounds like a car?

• "You know: one of those eastern European cars."

Lada? I know, I've got it: Skoda!

• "That's right, Skoda. Someone called him Kojak, but I have no idea why."
• "Director, it is far too hot in here. You would think the EBU could get a decent venue sometimes, considering all the money we spend on them. What are you going to do about it?"
• "Director, it is awfully cold in here. You would think the EBU could get a decent venue sometimes, considering all the money we spend on them. What are you going to do about it?"

Someone throws a bidding box on the floor. I get him a replacement, and play patience [solitaire for Americans] for a time with the cards from the box on the floor. However, it does not come out! No 7NT card!

It is time to tear off the top copy of the traveller, and put it face down on the table. This is explained over the loudspeaker four times. I go round to pick them up: the second table has not torn them off.

• "You did not tell us to!"
• "Of course, we would have done so, if you had told us to."

Several other Directors come to consult with me. At EBU tournaments, Directors are often advised to consult with me rather than anyone else - it is considered my forte. I advise one extrovert lady Director.

• "Are you sure? They might appeal."

I tell her not to worry, appeals are no big thing. Off she goes. Soon, she is back.

• "I do not know why I listen to you: they appealed! It is your fault!"

The session ends.

• "Why is there two hours for dinner? It is far too long. The EBU deliberately make it too long to annoy us."

Yeah, right. I wonder if I will get dinner. I collect the travellers, including two that are missing: strangely, they are three tables away from where they should be. I appease the scorer, who wants to know why I did not get them to her quicker, clear the tables, collect the boards, strip them of curtain cards, set out the stationery, check the computer input against the travellers. Eighty minutes left. I go to eat dinner with a few other TDs. The service is a bit slow, and it is ten minutes walk away. Eventually, I have eaten. Back to the hotel, change into a Tuxedo, back to the venue.

• "Why is there two hours for dinner? It is far too long. The EBU deliberately make it too long to annoy us."

I try to get everyone sat down. There are posted instructions where they sit.

• "Where do we sit? No, I never saw a notice."

I go and check for them, and get them sat down. Play starts.

• "Director, it is far too hot in here. You would think the EBU could get a decent venue sometimes, considering all the money we spend on them. What are you going to do about it?"
• "Director, it is awfully cold in here. You would think the EBU could get a decent venue sometimes, considering all the money we spend on them. What are you going to do about it?"

I give a few rulings, people consult with me, I wander round. One particular female Director does what she always does, consults with me, listens carefully, then rules the opposite. She is very earnest, and I never understand why she does not follow my ideas! As usual, she is appealed. I have to find Appeals Committees [usually my job at EBU events]. I ask a player.

• "Well, I don't know, I could if you are desperate, but try and find someone else, will you?"

That's a Yes.

• "No, Roy, you cannot be on an appeal, we have to go at the end, sorry David, he really has not got the time, OK?"

That's a No.

A few more rulings, a few Appeals Committees, tear off the top traveller ["you did not say so"], last few rounds, everyone finishes.

• "What time tomorrow?"
• "Two o'clock? Why? Is the EBU mad?"

Now I have to organise the appeals.

• "Where is my Committee? It should be ready, now!"

I explain that some members are not present, and go to the bar to get David Burn, thus losing two Dhondys who have moved elsewhere by the time I get back. Why do they not issue me with a sheepdog? I eventually get the Committees going, and now have to clear my area of the room: everyone else is gone. [Note: to be fair, with many EBU Directors, they will have cleared it for me once they realise I am busy, but not all of them.]

I clear the tables, strip the boards, put them away, check the travellers against the computer input, and at about midnight, I am finished.

• "Where are the results? What do you mean, you do not know? You are a Director, aren't you?"

I get to the bar in time to hear the bar-tender say it is closed. Damn. Still, I know one that is open to one o'clock. I greet my fellow Directors, and offer a round of drinks. Three whiskies, four pints, and a gin-and-orange. One of the players strolls in.

• "Hah! Taking it easy, as usual! Glad to see you have plenty of spare time to drink."

Only three days to go.

Editor's note:

• If you want to comment on this article, why not write direct to David Stevenson?
• I shall be pleased to hear from you!

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