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Hello. I haven't written to this newsgroup before, but my Meowmie says I'm really famous so I thought I'd say Mrrp! to everyone who thinks I'm perfectly adorable, and HissSpit to all those who are too stupid or ignorant to recognise purrfection when they see it. Those who don't know me yet should get to know me immediately because they are missing out on my most wonderful self.
Meowmie said I was allowed to write a story here about my very favourite thing in the world. Silly Meowmie, she thought I was going to write about her! Well, my very very very favourite thing in the world is my very own self, of course, but Meowmie writes about that often enough. So I thought I'd tell all of you fine folks about my second most favouritest thing in the whole wide world.
My second very most favouritest thing in the world is the stuff I like to sleep on and hide in. Its very similar to the stuff Meowmie and PurrPurr like to hold in front of their faces and be quiet. My Meowmie puts on extra eyes when she hold her stuff to her face, but its much more fun for her to see my paws come through it. I know, because she meows funny at me and puts the stuff down and then I play with her with my beautifully kept claws. Sometimes I think Meowmie is a bit of a girly because she hiss-spits at me when I showed her I loved her by hugging her extra hard. She has funny short fur, just like I get when I has those yucky black itchy things, but Meowmie's fur sometimes goes red and ooky when I get very excited.
Anyways, my second favouritest stuff is like the stuff that comes under the door, 'cept its harder and doesn't have pretty pictures. Its really good, because I can stick my carefully manicured claws into it and it makes noise. I'm very proud of my claws - I keep them in tip-top condition by shaping them on the lounge. I always show how sharp I keep them to all Meowmie's and PurrPurr's visitors. They are very proud of me for protecting them from the Big Bad Nasty people because they always pick me up and pet me lots when I do it.
This stuff I like is very warm and comfortable, and sometimes is shaped proper like a good kitty-nest. I like to hide in the kitty nests and spy on Meowmie and PurrPurr, and play tag with them through the bottom when they walk past. I am a most excellent super-spy. I knows this because when I hide and I can't see anyone therefore they can't see me when I'm in the special stuff kitty nest. I can't see anybody unless I carefully peer over, so I am very careful. (Meowmie always seem to know where I am though - she has great ESP!) To my very surprise, I have found that these hard stuff good things like me, because they always change shape to fit my fine figure purrrfectly. Sometimes they like to trick me and pretend to be smaller than what I can fit into, but they are always awestruck by my magnificent outline when I come to use them and they change their shape pretty quickly for me.
Meowmie and PurrPurr are very very nice to me because they know about things I like. They are so wonderful they even get the good hard brown stuff delivered on a Friday Night. I get a fresh bed every Friday, delivered to my door! Aren't they good to me? There is even a good smelling warmer inside my bed so that I get a very very nice bed to sleep on. Meowmie and PurrPurr take out the warmer, and dispose of it as any good kitty wood by eating it all up. Sometimes they even let me eat some of the cheesy smelling round warmer thing before I go to snoozes on my nice warm new bed. Life isn't always so good when they get my new nest delivered though, because on every second Friday on the week they buy me my special canned food, they also get other stuff delivered.
One of the things smells just awful, like a dead thing. I'm not scared or anything, but I don't go close until they finish eating. But even then, they are very very nice because that screw up its shiny skin into a small ball and throw it onto the floor for me to chase. I don't always play chasing, after all, I am a dignified cat and its only a bit of scrumpled shiny stuff, but sometimes Oh! It is so fun to watch it sparkle as I roll it along the floor, showing Meowmie and PurrPurr what an excellent hunter I really am.
The other thing is really, really strange. Its like a big tube, but with a skinny neck. When either of them picks one of those things, I get ready so as not to jump in fright because when they ring its neck, it makes the most awful of hiss-spits. (I would too, if they tried to wring mine!) I'm a very very courageous and brave, but even you would be a bit nervous if you heard the things it was saying. But PurrPurr almost always sucks its guts out through its neck pretty much straight away. Sometimes he can do it almost in one go, but Meowmie meows at him loudly every time he does it. Meowmie pours it's guts into one of those hard-air things that goes tinkle-tinkle if the die. The insides of the creature still are a bit alive, even then, because they still hiss a bit. Meowmie mustn't hear it though, because she sips at it in a much more delicate way than PurrPurr. One day I hope they'll learn to drink stuff in the proper way by sticking their tongues out and lapping in the way everyone's Mamakitty taught them, but I forgive their lack of floor-manners because they are so very nice and kind to me.
So, thats my favouritest stuff. I will defend my stuff against the nasty Ghost Mice, and that horrible woman that comes in and picks up all the other "junk" on the floor. Doesn't she know that all the other stuff are all of my toys? That she had better ask the real owner of all the things in the world before she can throw it out? Meowmie (or PurrPurr) always tells her to leave my nests because they are my special Places of Snoozing, but when they go out, she is a bad bad lady because she makes snort noises and says under her breath "Whoever heard of a cat with a cardboard fetish?" and "Fancy leaving used pizza boxes on the floor just for a bloody cat?". I don't understand all she's saying, but I know I don't like her. After I hisspit at her and tell her to leave all my stuff alone, I go and talk to my friends under Meowmie and PurrPurr's bed. I'm not scared of her at all, no, I'm a very brave and courageous cat, but my friends under the bed always desperately need to see me as soon as she comes around, and won't let me leave them until she's gone. I protect my less brave friends from the nasty bad lady until I know its safe again.
Well thats it. I have told you of my second most favouritest in the whole wide world. One day I might tell you all about something else, but right now I need to make myself look even more ravishingly gorgeous, and give myself another manicure. And I can't wait till Friday when I get another fresh, warm, lovely smelling nest. I love my Meowmie and PurrPurr.
Shmoggleberry
Editor's note:
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