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Lights, Patty, Action

by David Yehudah, Bellflower, CA, USA


Next to Patty's side of the bed is a tall, skinny, floor lamp with 3-way lights. Last night she went to take a shower before retiring and left the light on. I lay there and tossed and turned for a while, then reached to turn her light off. That was when I discovered that the switch had a high point where it would hang for a while before suddenly clicking back on. Hmmm. I left it dark and turned on the overhead light at the wall switch on her side of the bed, then rolled over and feigned sleep.

Soon she came to bed, turned off the overhead light, and rolled over and started to wind down. Sleep was just a snore away.

Just as she got good and relaxed, suddenly the lamp clicked on by itself. It took a second for the event to soak in; when it did, she sat bolt upright, head pivoting wildly as she searched for whoever had turned on the lamp. No one was there. I watched out of the corner of my eye as she stared at me long and hard, then, giving it up as an unsolved mystery, she turned off the lamp.

Several times she sat up and scanned the room, jerking her head this way and that, clearly expecting to find someone, probably me, sneaking up on that lamp. I tried to think of some way to slip out of bed on my side and crawl around the foot of the bed and jump up suddenly and turn the light on again, but we sleep on an air mattress, and neither of us can get up without alerting the other. The more I played out scenarios in my head, the funnier it seemed and the more the bed began to tremble with my barely suppressed mirth. It doesn't take much to amuse some people.

After a bit Patty got up and went to the loo. While she was gone I played with the lamp switch a bit and got it to hang again in the 'off' position. When she came back the room was dark, and I was softly snoring.

Just as her head hit the pillow "CLICK!" the light went on again, and Madam jumped straight up. "%$#^&%$#," she screeched. Potty Mouth.

She started to leap out of bed but happened to turn towards me, and, except for the bed shaking with my barely suppressed guffaws and a faint squealing noise coming from my nose, I was still apparently sound asleep. No way. Patty ain't that gullible. That's when she started flailing at me with her pillow and Toby and Mac both ran for cover.

She still doesn't know how I did it, but she has no doubt who the culprit was. It's not easy being so predictable.


Editor's note:

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