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Well, I've finally done it; I have passed the bounds of common decency and good taste, committed offenses against the public weal, and sunk to a level of depravity unmatched--you get the idea--at least according to Patty. I taped the toilet lid to the seat. Yes.
It was her fault. Yesterday the housekeeper left the seat up after she finished cleaning the toilet. Patty blamed me. I didn't do it; haven't committed that bit of reprehensible villainy in years. After I pointed out to Patty I don't do stairs unless absolutely necessary and have a perfectly good potty downstairs and hadn't been upstairs all day and the housekeeper had probably done it, she relented, with a sniff that clearly said just because I didn't do it this time, I was perfectly capable. . .Anyway, no apology was forthcoming, so I, as the more aggrieved partner, felt justified in taking a small bit of revenge.
So last night I remained downstairs reading while Patty went to bed. A bit later when I went upstairs, I took along a couple of pieces of duct tape and taped the lid to the seat in our bathroom.
I was soon awakened from a sound sleep by the gratifying sound of Patty calling my name, loudly. For years I have been putting the lid down at random times to keep her on her toes (while seated?), so she makes it a habit to feel in the dark for the lid while she hovers in mid squat, just on the verge of sitting down. Feeling the lid closed, she raised up slightly and lifted the lid--and the seat--and sat down. On cold porcelain.
Believe it or not, after I explained the rationale behind my behavior, she actually apologized. She then spent quite a while sitting on the side of the bed, with her eyes glowing an unnatural orange color, speaking to me softly, urging me to go to sleep.
For some reason I wasn't the least bit sleepy.
Editor's note:
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