Training your Human

by Robert Biggs

• Training your human is a thankless task.
• "Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
• The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
• As felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
• Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
• We spray in the corners to drive home the point.
  
  
• Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
• But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
• The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
• We're poised to usurp man's authority.
• These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
• We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.
  
  
• Just what does training your human entail?
• A host of fun things you must do without fail:
• The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
• The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
• Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
• And make their best clothing a target of wrath.
  
  
• Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
• Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
• And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
• Paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
• Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
• Knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.
  
  
• Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
• As she's headed out for a night on the town.
• If they leave you home all alone for the night,
• (Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
• They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right,
• To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
• Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
• Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...
  
  
• When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
• (All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
• A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
• But they will try harder to scold you, of course!
• So, hide in the closet until they forget,
• And then launch out just like an F-14 jet.
  
  
• Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
• Then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
• Dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
• And celebrate victory: The felines have won!
• To humans, however, the battle's begun,
• As they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.
  
  
• Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
• My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
• Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
• (The verses above have already told how).
• So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
• And then train your human, beginning right now.

Editor's note:

• If you want to comment on this article, why not write direct to Robert Biggs?
• He will be pleased to hear from you!

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