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Ollie has wormed his way into the bedroom at night. It has taken him a couple of years to do it. John has always refused to share his bed with a cat. But it is winter here and the nights are cold - how could anyone resist Ollie's pathetic looks and persistent yowling outside the bedroom window. John gave in quite unexpectedly.
Last night I woke in the early hours to hear a strange sound beside me. Ollie had his head on my pillow and the covers tucked up around his neck. He was snoring! It was a ghastly sound. Wheezing, snuffling, snorting, and whistling noises were only parts of his repertoire. He was also going through some sort of twitching routine. First the paws would jerk and then the whiskers or ears, or the top of the nose. Growls and meows would erupt.
I glared at the cat. I had put up with plenty of John's snoring over the years and I wasn't about to put up with it from Ollie. It was time to deal with him. I carefully blocked up his nostrils with two fingers. No effect. Ollie simply opened his mouth and snored louder. I shook him awake and turned him over on his side. No effect. In seconds he was snoring again.
I looked over at John. He was sleeping the sleep of the just, with his mouth open and a faint whistling sound coming through his nose. Then it came to me - sweet revenge. They deserved each other. Muffling uncontrollable giggling I carefully cradled the sleeping cat and moved him in beside the sleeping man. Ah, they were perfect together - twins you might say, heads on the pillow their snores inter-mingling beautifully.
Then John woke up. He is, after all, a light sleeper. Through half lowered eye-lids I saw him glower at the cat. Then he moved him down under the blankets to somewhere near his midriff. By this time Ollie was close to the side of the bed and his tail hung out of the blankets.
It was at that moment that Ollie decided to have a nightmare (or perhaps it was a catmare). He let out a frightful yowl and thrashed around. He started to fall out of bed and naturally grabbed with his claws for the nearest toehold. It wasn't Ollie's fault that the toehold happened to be the most sensitive part of John's anatomy.
That was a scream to end all screams. Ollie landed on the floor and took to his scrapers. John landed on the floor and took off to the bathroom, no doubt to inspect the damage on the offended member. Me - I lay doggo. Shortly I heard the front door open and shut and a string of curses. Ollie had been banished.
Will Ollie ever make it back to the bedroom? Will John ever forgive him? Who knows. Watch this space.
Editor's note:
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