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Please Your Honour, I didn't mean to sit on him. It was a mistake. He was in my bed, you see. 'I should have been looking,' I hear you say. But I had forgotten. Your Honour, when you make your bed do you look inside every blanket! Of course you don't. You say 'I'm being cheeky,' Your Honour. I'm not. Anyway 'why don't you make your own bed, got slaves to do it for you, eh.' Sorry, Your Honour, I'm being cheeky again. How did it happen? Well, it went like this.
I sat on the end of the unmade bed to put on my shoes. Right away he let out a yowl. It was only a little 'sit-on'. I was on my feet almost immediately. "Cruelty,"I hear you say, Your Honour. After all, I'm not that fat! 'What did you say, Your Honour," eh eh eh 'not so's you'd notice!!!!" That is being unfair, Your Honour, I have a sylph-like figure, everyone says so!!
Ollie seemed OK., honestly, Your Honour. I gave him two fried chicken legs to make amends. 'Bribery and corruption,' Your Honour, not at all, just a little compensation for an honest mistake.
Later, I went to make the bed. I swear I meant no harm, Your Honour. The battery needed changing in the bedside clock and I flopped down on the side of the bed. You should have heard the scream. I was up on my feet in a trice. Your Honour, how was I to know that the cat had gone back to bed. He should have been outside enjoying himself. But I plead guilty, Your Honour, guilty, guilty, guilty.
Had I damaged the cat? Had I crushed him with my fat bottom? It was a dreadful thought. You see, Your Honour, I have been punished for my dastardly deed.
Ollie was definitely on the pale side. I felt his nose, it was deathly cold - was he expiring. It was too terrible to think about. How could I tell people about such a frightful crime. I tried running a piece of paper on a string past his nose - this can be a test for a cat's alterness. He caught the paper and string expertly; he ripped the paper off the string and swallowed it. More worries - would the newsprint on the paper finish him off.
It was time for drastic measures. I got out an expensive packet of super-salubrious cat treats reserved for special occasions. He scoffed the lot. But there was something strange in the way he washed his stomach. Was he in pain. Only time would tell.
I am prepared to take my punishment, Your Honour. ......Six days in the poky on bread and water. Thank you, Your Honour. 'And I'm to be sat on daily by a over-weight, Japanese sumo wrestler.' Thank you, Your Honour, I deserved it.
Editor's note:
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