The Physics of Cats

by AG, Colorado, USA

My theory of cats (well, specifically kittens - we might need another theory for adult cats) is that cats exist in two states:

• State one, known popularly as "sleep". A cat in state one has a discrete location in space and can thus be pinpointed. State one is characterized by zero momentum and a large increase in mass.
• State two, known popularly as "awake". A cat in state two does not have a discrete location in space, but rather exists as a probability distribution over a volume. Cats in state two have large positive momentums. State two is similar to the probability distribution of an electron. This explains the "tunneling" phenonema people refer to, in which a cat can appear on the other side of physical barriers without having passed through that barrier. It also explains why cats often appear as a mere blur when playing, and often exhibit indications of being in more than one location at once. Furthermore, it explains the change in the shape of the distribution when energy is added, moving the cat to various excited states.

The exact characteristics of the probability distribution remain to be discovered. I believe that like electron orbitals (S/P/D orbitals and so forth), the exact shape of the probability distribution changes with the energy state of the cat, and also like orbitals, changes with the addition of other nearby cats or humans, forming various types of bonds.

With enough further research it might be discovered that state one is merely a degenerate case of state two, which might someday lead to a Grand Unified Theory of Cats that could completely explain Feline Physics.

As an aside: cats have an antiparticle: paper grocery sacks. Like any particle/antiparticle pair, a cat and its antiparticle (the paper grocery sack) will annihilate in a great burst of energy when they come into contact with each other. This depletes the energy of the cat and reduces it to the minimum energy state (state one).

But my field is engineering, not physics, so I'll have to leave further theoretical work in this area to the people with real physics backgrounds.

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