Bathroom Botherings

by Beverley, Napier, New Zealand

Here are Ollie's rules for Bathroom Botherings.

1. Crisscrossing. The humans will always want to go to the bathroom when they get up in the morning. Don't let them. The frig. is not in the bathroom and your needs must come first. Try the crisscrossing technique. Method a. Hurting the human. Crisscrossing is a brilliant manoeuvre but must only be practised by experienced botherers. Winding backwards and forwards in front of a human is a delicate operation - overdo it and the human crashes to the ground. If they're not hurt they might throw you out. Result - no food. If they are hurt and need the attention of a human vet it's possible you will be forgotten about for hours. Result - no food. If you manage this bothering technique successfully humans will say "Oh, God, I have to feed this cat to get it out of my hair." Result - Food.
   
   
2. Crisscrossing 2. Method b. Hurting You. If you can pull off Method b. you deserve Honours in Bothering (HIB). By careful positioning it is possible to arrange for the human to tread on you. A light touch of their toes against you is enough. Let out a yowl of anguish and drop to the ground. Curl up a front paw to your face and lick it fiercely. Start moaning while casting reproachful looks at the offender. The human should be devastated. You will be gathered up and crooned to "Poor sweetheart. Did I tread on pussums with my big, flat feet. There there." Make a big thing out of forgiving the human and start purring. Result - Food.
   
   
3. If Crisscrossing doesn't Work. Speed into the toilet and hide under the cistern. Humans don't like sharing toilets with cats. (although they don't mind invading your privacy by sometimes watching you if you are using the litter box). If they try to extract you from behind the cistern cling to the toilet bowl and pretend to play by scratching and biting. They'll soon get sick of it. If the human is a man using the toilet leap onto the top of the cistern and stare at him - jump on his shoulder and bite his ear. If the human is a woman - sit on her knee. When she throws you off her knee grab the toilet paper. If you are an expert botherer you should know how to hook a claw into the paper and unravel the roll in seconds. Some humans find this funny! You hear them telling their friends "He is such a clever cat. You should see what he does with the toilet roll and he's just playing, bless him.!!" Playing - Phooey!!! You're deadly serious. If you are successful the human will temporarily by-pass the bathroom and go straight to the frig. Result - Food.
   
   
4. You are in deep trouble if your human prefers a bath instead of a shower. A cat could starve to death waiting for this peculiar operation to stop. Why do humans like water? You will have to overcome your aversion to a lot of water and sit on the edge of the bath. Grab the soap and shoot it into the water. It will take a human ages to find it and they might just give up and get out of the bath. Some humans like to close their eyes and doze off in the bath. You will have to resort to dire bothering to combat this. Fall into the bath. Humans hate this. Thrash around in the water and try to climb out up the human. Once you are out of the bath shiver pitifully. They should get out to dry you off. If they don't move it's a nice touch to dry yourself on their clean clothes. This manoeuvre never fails. Result - a dressed human, a trip to the frig and - food.

Note from Beverley

I have just bought a scanner and have been trying to reproduce a photo of Ollie sitting on the telly, yawning. The photo was given to me by Ollie's previous slave (neighbour). So far I have managed to reproduce it upside down and so large it is just a mosaic of tiny squares. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Editor's note:

• If you want to comment on this article, why not write direct to Beverley?
• She will be pleased to hear from you!
• Ollie also has rules for Bedroom Bothering.

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