Bedroom Bothering

by Beverley, Napier, New Zealand

All cats are good at bothering but Ollie has turned it into an art form. Take bedroom bothering, for instance. Ollie knows that humans are there to be played, like finely tuned violins, and he is just the cat to pluck the strings. He usually follows five golden rules and recommends them to other cats.

Ollie's Rules for Bedroom Bothering

1. Humans have this absurd desire to sleep through the night. This means that they must be woken up if a cat wants feeding. Timing is important here - wake up humans too early and they become unco-operative. The best times are between 5 and 6. The slightest cough or movement in the house is the signal for megaphone yowls - preferably beside a bedroom window near a bed. A human with any sense will immediately open a window to let you in.
   
   
2. Using the elements. Rain is a cats best weapon. Make sure you get thoroughly wet - a little mud on the feet doesn't hurt either - they just hate muddy bedclothes. A wet cat upsets humans. They say things like "you poor darling, did sweet little pussums get caught in that nasty rain." This is great stuff. If you droop your whiskers a little and flatten your ears you can manage to look utterly miserable. With any luck they'll give you a good towelling which is always enjoyable. It also gets them out of bed - the aim of the exercise.
   
   
3. If it's not raining. Humans will often try to go back to sleep after opening the window. This is a very bad habit and not to be tolerated. Kiss them to death, lick their faces if necessary, crank up the purr machine and breathe in their ears. Humans also hate bad breath - try raiding the neighbour's rubbish tin to get something particularly smelly.
   
   
4. When they ignore you and pull the bedclothes over their heads. This is a hard problem and can only be tackled by a very experienced cat. You will have to insert yourself between the sheets. Dig frantically from somewhere beside their heads. After a minute they will groan and lift up the bedclothes. Success. A little careful use of the claws comes in handy here. Try kneading bare parts of their bodies and drawing a little blood. If they don't yell loudly enough speed down to the bottom of the bed and lick the soles of their feet. This makes some humans thrash all over the place and scream.
   
   
5. If foot licking doesn't work. Pretend you've found a mouse in the bed and jump on their private parts making sure claws are slightly extended. (This is a particularly good ploy with male humans). Although you have to be careful here. Some inexperienced cats overdo the act and find themselves thrown out the window.

Editor's note:

• If you want to comment on this article, why not write direct to Beverley?
• She will be pleased to hear from you!
• Ollie also has rules for Bathroom Bothering.

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