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I was woken up by the cat yelling outside the bedroom window yesterday. I let him in - guess I should have noticed that he was particularly glittery of eye. It was exactly 3.00 a.m. It's hot here at the moment and nights are spent under one sheet. I was drifting off to sleep when it happened. The cat launched himself on my innocent foot and pounded it mercilessly with claws and teeth.
Ollie had decided there was a rat under the sheet and he was going to sink his fangs into the various quivering white knobs.. I let out a scream of pain and thrashed my legs trying to shake him off. Ollie thought it was heaven, the rat was on the move and a satisfying chase would ensue. He leapt on the large knob that happened to be my knee and pounded it fiercely with his back legs. I thrashed again - the cat started to fall off the bed but miraculously recovered his equilibrium. He simply flung himself on my hip, overturned and playfully bit my bottom. More shrieking and thrashing.
I gave one final lunge at the cat, slid off the bottom of the bed and landed in a heap on the floor. Ollie was delighted the rat was on the move - he found my big toe under the end of the sheet and bit it . John woke up and mumbled unprintable things ff***%%% - what the hell **** what's with that bloody cat..... mumble mumble.
I went back to bed, rubbed my stinging punctures and covered myself with the duvet. It was no good, now I was sweating as well as stinging. I got out of bed and headed to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom for some aspirin. Ollie flung himself out from behind the bathroom door and clamped my leg in a deadly embrace. He had found the rat and was giving it the kiss of death. I screamed and fell over.
After that I knew I was beaten. I knew exactly what Ollie was after and it was up to me to supply it. I know I'm weak but the cat had won again. I went to the kitchen, put every cat delicacy I could find on the cat's plate and staggered back to bed. It was 4.00 a.m.
I was drifting off to sleep again when I smelled sardines in aspic. Ollie was back and digging his way under the sheet. He settled himself comfortably into the middle of the bed - while I arranged myself into a question mark - and went sleep.
Editor's note:
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