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I don't know why I do these things. Is it perhaps that I have some sort of mad turn at a full moon? Or, perhaps I had a glass too much wine and got over enthusiastic during the holiday period. I've invited a number of people to come for a birthday party type luncheon smorgasbord on Sunday the 29th of January (John's birthday is on the 28th).
Is it possible to retract invitations, I wonder. I have a good imagination - perhaps I can come down with a dose of er, er, botulism, creeping something or other, er, er, werewolfism, er, er.... Who am I kidding, you all know what the problem is!!
I haven't asked Ted and his wife, yet. Do you think I should? Is it possible that he can keep the cat in check. I shudder to think of Ollie bouncing from knee to knee on people in their Sunday best. And John's brother Donald will be there. Will war break out between them?
And there's all the cars for the cat to visit outside and the supper to enjoy. Oh God. What am I going to do?
I know what you're thinking. I should be firm and lock up the cat. Yes, that's it. Lock up the cat. But where? The spare room perhaps. But the cat's yowls can reach ear splitting levels even if I transfer him to the garage. People won't be able to stand it. I can just hear the conversation I could have with a cat-loving friend.
"I can hear your cat, he sounds distressed."
Me. "No, I think you can hear the neighbour's cat."
Cat-loving friend. "But it's definitely coming from your spare room."
Me, splashing wine into her glass and handing it to her. "Nonsense, you're imagining things."
CLF, opening the door and heading for the spare room, "No, I'm not, puss, puss."
Me, trying to stop her. "Lunch is ready - the strawberries are fabulous."
CLF, opening the door of the spare room and clasping Ollie. "Oh, the poor baby, did he get locked in then."
Ollie, kissing her all over. "Yessss, Yowwwwie, she did it."
CLF gives me a dirty look and watches Ollie fondly as he bounds away. I know I have gone down several grades in her estimation.
You can just see what can happen can't you. The cat parading through the supper on the table, knocking over wine glasses, pushing his face in the strawberries and cream. Then everyone will have to put up with Ted and Ollie showing off all their handiwork - they will be paraded through the kitchen and bathroom. Don't even think about the people who insist on leaving their car windows open because it is hot and then find that a cat has lovingly sprayed their car seat covers.
I have to think up more diseases. I don't think John looks well. Perhaps he should go to the doctor and get a check-up. A kid along the street has come down with measles. John hasn't had it and it is very infectious. This party will not take place!! It will not I tell you!! Watch this space.
Editor's note:
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