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Bonnie - The Pearly Gates to Paradise

by Beverley, Napier, New Zealand


Bonnie thinks that the kitchen doors are really the Pearly Gates and speculates that they lead outside to Paradise. She also knows that there are ways to get to Paradise and that if she works on the problem long enough she will make it!

She makes fruitless attempts to get to Paradise every day and has tried several clever techniques.

Method One. This is the two kitten attack (which needs the help of Clyde who is a bit dumb about getting to Paradise). Both kittens must synchronize their attack at the exact moment the Gates open - there is a chance that one might get through.

Method Two. This is a one kitten affair and involves hiding out of sight till the Gates actually open. A blinding run at the Gates will sometimes confuse the human.

Method Three. Tripping the human. This is a method that has often been nearly successful. Human clutches at Gates and can crash to the ground; Gates can sometimes be propped open by human's body.

Method Four. Running up the leg of the human. Kitten must be prepared to risk danger to life and limb by springing down off human on to the other side of the Gates.

Method Five. Alternate Kitten approach. One kitten races for the Gates. Human grabs for the first kitten. Second kitten races for the Gates. Timing is all important here.

Method Six. Top of the Gate approach. Kitten races up the wire on the outside Gate and hangs there. Human opens the Gate and tries to lever kitten off. Kitten drops cleverly on wrong side of the Gate and gets away. Also kitten two can make a dash through the bottom of the Gate.

Method Seven. Pitiful kitty approach. Kitten One sobs despairingly on inside of Gate as door opening human approaches. Kitten is picked up to see what is wrong. Kitten two dashes through the Gate while human is preoccupied with Kitten One.

Yesterday Bonnie got out using Method Three on John. In the resulting confusion he didn't even realise she had gone.

Me, shrieking. "Bonnie is out on the lawn!!"

John, getting up from the floor rubbing shins "**$@#"*&"

I could see Bonnie sitting in the middle of the lawn, looking up at the sky. I could see she was entranced with the sounds, the glorious smells, the feel of the grass on her little pink feet. Oh yes, Paradise was worth fighting for.

John blundered across the lawn followed by me "Puss, Puss, nice Bonnie."

Bonnie executed a neat double somersault and rocketed away to the garden near the fence. She stopped dead, transfixed. There is no way you can race through Paradise. The Bumble Bee, its furred body covered with pollen, was sitting on a clover flower. Bonnie quivered with delight, such joy!! John pounced and caught her.

At this moment Bonnie is sitting by the Pearly Gates. Now she KNOWS about Paradise!!!!!!!!!!!


PS. Amendment. Strange sounds are coming from behind the closed doors of the lounge (where I am sitting at the computer writing this story). I open doors and look. Bonnie is no longer sitting by the Pearly Gates. The receiver is off the fax machine and Bonnie is sitting on the numbers - machine beeps ominously. Clyde has found the top of the kitchen bench and is eating some left over toast. Another piece of toast is marmalade side down on the carpet. AARghhhhhhhhh


Editor's note:

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